kokiden (kokiden) wrote,
kokiden
kokiden

Let Your Light So Shine Before Men

I've had a hell of a week, really. As I was decompressing with my therapist, she said, "You really should write about this." I thought that might be a good idea, but I'm not really sure where to start.

Well, "Begin at the beginning, go on until you come to the end, and then stop," as the King of Hearts says in Alice in Wonderland.

The beginning was a mistake. A $35,000 mistake. I'm not going to go into details, but I failed to do something back in April that was just discovered at the end of May, and I was unable to fix it, and it will result in the loss of approximately $35,000 to the organization I work for.

Now, you might know that I just got a promotion in April, and I've been feeling pretty good about it. This promotion has given me an opportunity to see myself and my work in a new light. I've been really inspired to try new things, things that are being drawn out of me by having a new level and type of responsibility.

But the process of discovering this past error and the fact that I couldn't fix it really deflated me, and I sort of lost all my pzazz. It was a real shame, too, because I could really tell the difference between my old way of thinking and my new way of thinking, and I really wanted to be more like this new self, because the possibilities were so great. I had all kinds of hope about how good my life could turn out when I was unleashed to do MORE.

I struggled this past week, I ended up wasting lots of times while being depressed and down on myself, realizing the whole time that I didn't have to choose that route, but not quite knowing how to pull myself out of it. In the end, this knowledge and chatting here and there with people who knew better helped a lot, and I'm getting back into the groove.

When I laid all of this out to my therapist, I said two or three things that she seemed to think were important, and to test whether I think they're important, too, I'm going to lay them out there:

I want to be the kind of person who doesn't let a mistake get me down for long, who can pick up, learn the lesson, and move on.

and

People who are able to make a mistake and recover from it are exhibiting an ability to show their vulnerable side to others without getting caught up in beliefs that making a mistake means that all the crappy things they have always believed about themselves have been shown to be true.

and

If you can't be out there doing things that may end up being mistakes, you are missing something, and there's no way you can be a leader, because leaders are not those who tell other people what to do, they're people who show other people through their own lives how things can be done.

So that's pretty much it. I think I do believe all of those things, and I really do want to be that person. And even though this week felt like a crappy week, and I'm really glad I went through that, so I know that my feelings of happiness about my work don't depend on my never stepping out of line and making a mistake.
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